I own a red Chevrolet pick-up truck. When I bought it a few years ago, I decided that it would be a good idea to buy a bright color. That’s because on more than one occasion I couldn’t find my old truck, a silver Toyota, at the local Piggly Wiggly. When you lose a vehicle in a small grocery store parking lot, it’s time to make some life changes.
Of course, misplacing your car for a few minutes at the Pig is nothing compared to my lost car episode in Minnesota.
During my sales career, I would fly into a city, and upon landing, head to the rental car desk and always request a Ford Taurus. When you’re on the road, even a little familiarity is a source of comfort. And since I had rented so many Tauruses for so long, I was familiar with all of the controls in the car. Believe me, nothing was worse than a rental you didn’t know how to operate. Once Hertz gave me a free upgrade to a Jaguar. It was cool driving around in a Jag all week, but I was miserable because I could hardly operate the air conditioning or the radio.
I always cringed when Hertz gave me a silver-colored Taurus. That’s because back in their heyday, there were more silver Tauruses on the road than there were Dollar Generals in Alabama. A moment’s inattention in a parking lot could be a big problem.
And that is exactly what happened to me in, of all places, The Mall of America. For those of you who don’t know, this retail monster in Minneapolis is one of the largest shopping malls in the world. It’s so big it even has an amusement park in the middle of it. As you might expect, a place like this has a number of large parking decks, giving a person who didn’t pay attention a great opportunity to lose their car. And that’s what I did.
Keep in mind this was before we had phones that easily made photos or dropped pins on your location. For the most part, I was on my own.
Honestly, I thought that I knew where I parked. Really. I made a mental note of which store was connected to the deck and a couple of hours later went back there and crossed into the parking world. However, since darkness had fallen since my arrival, everything looked different. So, I began walking and looking for a silver Ford Taurus – and I found lot of them. It’s amazing how many silver Ford Tauruses there were in this place. Did they make this stupid car in any other color? I went up and down several levels while clicking the remote, hoping to see some friendly flashing tail lights. Nothing.
Soon, I began using the emergency horn button, hoping my wayward rental car would answer. Silence. Soon I was frantically squeezing it, hoping that pushing it harder might make it work better. What an idiot I was.
Just as I was beginning to think I was going to spend the rest of my life eating at the food court, I heard the horn. “At last!” I thought. “Let’s head to the hotel.” But it wasn’t that easy. Because of the concrete and open spaces, the acoustics made it impossible for me to determine where the sound was coming from. This was becoming a Twilight Zone episode. I frantically kept looking up and down until a security vehicle pulled up beside me.
“Can’t find your car?” he asked.
“Well, I… uh, no,” I replied sheepishly.
“Happens all the time. Hop in. We’ll find it. What kind of car is it?
“A silver Ford Taurus.”
He frowned. “Oh, Lord, one of those. Well, roll down the window and keep pressing the key fob.”
It was obvious he had done this before. We found my starting point and he cruised slowly, up one level and down another. In a few minutes, I saw the flashing tail lights.
He smiled and said, “There you go. The acoustics of this place makes it hard for the signal from your remote to hit the car unless you’re right on it.”
“Thanks. That’s good to know.” Then I had another dilemma. Do I tip him? What do you tip a guy who finds your car? I had just wasted 90 minutes of my life. I pulled out a 10. I was so relieved I would’ve given him a 50.
He saw it and shook his head. “I don’t need that. It’s my job. Glad to help.”
I smiled and responded, “Thanks.”
Smiling back, he replied. “But the next time you rent a Taurus, you might want ask for a red one.”
Joe Hobby is a barbecue-loving comedian from Alabama who wrote for Jay Leno for many years. Find more of Joe’s stories on his blog: https://mylifeasahobby.blogspot.com. Follow him on Facebook at Joe Hobby Comedian-Writer.
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