The pastor’s wife — a pedestaled role in ministry, yet it remains one of the most underappreciated positions in the church. It’s a position often overshadowed by the pastor’s spotlight or hangs aside as a trophy on display. The pastor’s wife can be seen as a supportive figure standing quietly in the background, or as an active partner in ministry, depending on the church.
To the congregation, she is a symbol of balance, standing beside her husband as he leads. She carries herself with grace, often dressed impeccably, her smile a calm and cheerful presence that reassures those around her. There’s a distinct quality in how she moves through the church — an aura that sets her apart. It’s often easy to recognize the pastor’s wife, but much harder to truly understand the depth of her role and the sacrifices that frequently come with it.
What are the sacrifices that come with such a prominent, yet often undervalued role? What challenges does she face that the congregation may overlook?
From managing the emotional toll of supporting her husband’s ministry to balancing her own identity within the church, the role of a pastor’s wife can be complex and demanding. She often has to navigate the expectations placed upon her — sometimes unspoken but always present — of being a perfect example, an ever-present supporter and a leader in her own right, all while handling the personal strains that come with that unvoiced requirement of perfection.
What parts of her position do we take for granted?
The countless hours she invests behind the scenes, offering hospitality, providing counsel and sometimes acting as a bridge between her husband and the congregation, often go unseen.
What impact do these responsibilities have on her sense of self, her family life and her spiritual journey?
Understanding these aspects reveals the deep emotional and spiritual labor that pastors’ wives endure, and the sacrifices they make for the sake of ministry — sacrifices that are rarely acknowledged, but deeply felt.
The best way I knew to tell this story was to speak with the pastor’s wife who has profoundly impacted my life: Sherry Steele. Wife of Pastor Jeff Steele, a mother to three children, a proud Granna to many grandchildren, as well as a successful gospel music artist and a dedicated leader in our church, Sherry has worn many hats throughout her life.
Sherry knew from an early age that her path in life would be rooted in ministry, though she wasn’t always sure what form it would take. Her early years were filled with music, particularly gospel, a passion and talent that would eventually blossom into a successful career on the road as a gospel singer. But life, as it often does, had more in store for her than she could have imagined.
“I kind of always knew that ministry was for me. I started singing young and I knew the kind of direction that my life would take through music, mostly gospel music. Never did I think I would be a pastor’s wife though,” she reflected.
Although Sherry felt as if she knew the direction her life would head, tragedy and destructive circumstances would shape her journey again and again. At the age of 12, Sherry would lose her father, setting in grief that would take many years to settle. Her mother, left with four children to support, while also working a full-time job, was struck with a burden that would take its toll on the family.
With limited options on the table, the opportunities that would present themselves to Sherry felt like her only path forward. A traveling job as a singer with a Pentecostal group would present itself to Sherry and her mother. Her mother would agree to the arrangement for the summer, setting the stage for her first steps in ministry.
However, grief would fester for her. Immersed in a Pentecostal life she had no prior experience with, she found herself forced to adapt while grappling with the loss of her father and a sense of abandonment from her mother.
“I was grieving my dad. I was angry at the ‘Why?’ because he was my everything,” Sherry shared. “So, I kind of ended up in a rebellious place. Instead of seeing them as my providers, they became more of my enemy because I didn’t want that from them. It was like, ‘Why y’all? Why doesn’t my mother care about me?’”
As the summer came to a close, the traveling group offered her mother a new proposition: to take Sherry in and meet all of her needs.
“’We can take her in and buy everything for her so that’ll take the financial pressure off of you.’ That sounded appealing to my mom at the time because she was like, ‘They can give her what I couldn’t,’” Sherry recalled. “So, she kind of turned me over to them out of desperation, but it felt like rejection to me. I was just trying to sort out all of my feelings. Why doesn’t my mother want me? Why can’t she make changes to provide for me?”
It was then that Sherry’s life would take a pivotal turn. She was isolated from her family, and her mother had no clue about the dark circumstances invading Sherry’s life. While that part of Sherry’s testimony remains her personal story to tell, she carried the weight of darkness and shame for years — a burden she referred to as “her cross to bear.”
Amidst the grief and forced adaptation, however, a glimmer of hope would emerge. While working on an album, Sherry met her future husband, Jeff Steele. At the time, Jeff was a DJ for a local radio station, and Sherry’s group approached him for help with the project.
“I didn’t really know him. I knew him from a distance,” Sherry shared. “We started getting together in preparation for this project, and in doing that, it was like my first outside interaction that wasn’t an acquaintance or someone I had ties to. We were usually in, out and gone, with no one knowing what was going on in my life.
“But, and I don’t know why, he saw something in the situation that wasn’t right. He was picking up on things I was saying about the way the other person was treating me,” she reflected. “So, he started to reach out to me without them knowing, just saying a word, giving me a compliment, sending me little notes to the studio. I was like ‘Wow, there is someone who cares.’”
Jeff would become the catalyst that would break the chains surrounding Sherry’s life. With her group planning a move to California and the isolation between Sherry and her mother growing deeper, Jeff encouraged her to visit her mother — a visit that ultimately became her way out. It was during this visit that Sherry broke the silence on her situation, finally opening up to her family about what she had been enduring.
Life changed quickly for Sherry then. With her silence broken and her family having been involved from a protective side, Sherry would begin to lean closer to her only attachment to the outside world: Jeff.
“When I finally got away from all the mess, we kind of got together and continued talking,” she recalled. “I was a kid. In essence, he was a kid. Still lived at home with his parents, not a whole lot of difference between where I was and he was in maturity. So, we kept talking and it became my security blanket.”
Those conversations would grow past the security blanket, and set the foundation for 42 years of a marriage that continues to grow today.
Sherry and Jeff Steele with their cohort of kids and grandkids (Sherry Steele)
Her past would shape her present, allowing her to value even deeper the thing she has grown to treasure most: her family.
“Because of all that I have been through, my family has become my trophy,” she stated. “I feel like when I look at my kids and grandkids, I feel like God is saying ‘See, you could get through it all. You have made it. It may not have been ideal for you, but look what you are to them. You can overcome.’”
It was these transformative years that Sherry believes allowed her to be who she is in ministry today.
“If we could see the future, what decisions would we make? I’m so glad I didn’t know. Have I been perfect? Absolutely not. But I think it has driven me as a minister’s wife to think differently than the average,” she continued. “Most pastor’s wives that I knew growing up were everything I knew I didn’t want to be as well. I could have fallen into the trap that so many of them have, being too hard on themselves.”
When Sherry began to realize that her life would soon become that of a pastor’s wife, the pull to be something she didn’t identify as bore down on her. The expectation to be perfect, or at least portray the picture of such, was something she had seen in churches all across her travels. It was the very trap she wanted to avoid.
“So now I’m in this role and now I’ve got to be perfect. I can’t let people see me as me. I have to hide myself, hide my feelings, like I had done all of my life, right?” she shared. “I started trying at first to mold myself into that image of what I thought people expected of me. And I did it for a little while, but the pressure got so great on me.
“I finally said to myself that I’m going to bring myself to the table. I’m going to bring who I am and I am going to trust God that he’s going to sort it out where people can see through the position and see the person I am and say, ‘I can identify with some of those hurts that she has been through, or identify with her as a mother, as a wife, as a woman.”
Although her story cultivated how she interacts in ministry today, she never allowed it to define who she was. In her journey, Sherry reflected on what it means to open up after learning to trust again, to the hurt that comes with ministry and the human politics involved, and the grace required to make it all feel worth it. Learning to balance what is personal and what is her ministry has been one of her hardest challenges, especially when held to such a high expectation.
“I had to realize these are human beings. That I am a human being. These are human beings with a real family. Their children matter. Our children matter. So, give me the same grace that you’re asking me to give to you. Because if you can see me in the same way that you see yourself, then you will understand that I am everything that you are. A human being who struggles and carries many of the same things that you do.”
Her self-realization pushed her to fight for something deeper, to move past the surface level of what people saw as her position, the fishbowl that people stared at her through.
“I could see it on people’s faces that they were putting me in a box, saying, ‘Man, what a perfect life, what a great thing she has,’” she expressed. “They saw what they wanted to see, the glamourous part of it, but never behind the scenes. They had no idea who I was, where I came from or what I’d been through.”
Time would once again bring her to the crossroads where her testimony would begin to make sense to her.
“We were doing a singing event at a church with a huge platform. They called all of the artists to the stage. And then, this little girl came. She didn’t really know my testimony or who I was, but out of all of the artists on stage, she approached me. I saw so much of myself in her. She leaned in and whispered to me, ‘Please help me.’
“It was then that I realized – don’t ever be so shortsighted to think that people don’t need to hear my story. If nothing else, it gives them the courage to keep on. Maybe it gives them the courage to leave. Maybe it gives them the courage to reach out to somebody.
“I realized then that my platform was bigger than I ever imagined,” Sherry stated.
From then on, Sherry began to share her story with resolve. Not out of victimization, or a need for pity, but as her ministry and who God called her to minister to. Sherry gave up what the church deemed her position to look at during that time, and pursued a true, reflective part of who she was and who God called her to be. She presented the broken parts of herself, that she was still healing, knowing that there were others like her out there.
Others, who her voice would represent.
To Sherry, her role as a pastor’s wife has allowed her many times to not only carry her burdens, but also to help carry those of the people she has been called to minister to. For Sherry, her role as a pastor’s wife is a ministry, ordained by God himself as a platform to share her story to the little girl in the crowd, to the woman who is lost in darkness and to the person who feels isolated and judged.
For the greater part of 42 years now, Sherry has served in that role faithfully. She does so without the burden of needing recognition or a reward for her efforts. She does it because that’s what she feels called to do. When I set out to tell just a glimpse of her story, I began to realize how many things we trivialize in a role such as hers.
The greatest thing I can say about Sherry is that she is intentional in all that she does. All of the cleaning she does has purpose. She cooks large meals every Wednesday for our entire church, with purpose. She seeks out those with internal conflict, to be an ear, with purpose. She has stood beside her husband in his battle with MS, as his balance, the clarity to his voice when he struggles with it, all with intention and purpose.
She labors on days when many feel called to rest. She seeks the corners that have the dust that many would just pass by, intent to leave it without blemish. She will tell you on Sunday that she loves you “more and more each day,” affirming who you are even when you feel empty. She plans and stewards everywhere that is lacking organization. She embodies purpose.
Purpose, driven from a story that never seemed fair, but one she overcame. Purpose formed from a testimony that gives courage to those without a voice in the crowd. Purpose, that the enemy stripped from her, that she would one day reclaim in the name of Jesus.
Purpose that is evident in the lives that would be changed because of her ministry.
Sherry and Jeff Steele – 42 years of marriage and ministry (Sherry Steele)
Sherry has long stood as a steadfast presence in our church, her community, her family and in the lives of many across the nation. Her journey, marked by gospel music, local pastoral roles alongside her husband and a heart for selfless service, has been a testament to who she is. Now, with 42 years of experience behind her, Sherry reflects on the most significant lessons she’s learned in her role as a pastor’s wife.
“Being a pastor’s wife is trial and error. Try to be a better version of yourself. That role is a platform in itself, so we have to take the role seriously. Yes, we are to live up to some of the expectations, but we can’t get so caught up in them that we fall into the trap of not being ourselves or isolating ourselves to where we have no one to talk to.
“That isolation can get to you. Find positive outlets to go to. Pray to God to guide you into the areas He wants you in, and to pull you back where you needed to pull back,” she continued. “My biggest mistakes in ministry were bottling things up and letting things out. How much do I let out? How much do I keep bottled up? I can’t fight every battle. I can’t do it alone. So I say, ‘Lord, help me.’
“There are things I would change if I could go back: reacting less, saying less and just letting God handle it. I didn’t have to defend myself so much. But I came from a place where I couldn’t tell anyone anything, and I will never be that again. You’ll never do me that way again. And in that, I have learned balance. I wasn’t taught it, I learned it, through trial and error.”
I posed a final question to Sherry, asking her to share the greatest bit of wisdom she holds dear in her ministry: “Love unconditionally. Love with no bounds and know that any stipulation you put on the mat is man-made. To love like Christ is to love everyone.”
Her words reflect the heart of her journey, one of grace, humility and a love that mirrors the teaching of Jesus.
Sherry’s story invites us to challenge how we view the role of a pastor’s wife in the church. It encourages us to move beyond the pedestal of thought that says a pastor’s wife must be perfect, when in fact, Jesus came to save the broken and imperfect.
Her role, often behind the scenes, involves tasks that might seem small — cooking, cleaning, stewarding — but they carry immense value in the kingdom of God, a kingdom full of intention and purpose. Her story in ministry reminds us to love mercy, to always show grace and to embrace the broken people God calls to serve, just like you and me.
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