One of the most memorable lines I ever heard in high school was delivered to my friend Randy when he got into a heated disagreement with our English teacher, Mrs. Duncan. After about five exasperating minutes, she put an end to it when she said, “If you want to argue, ‘lil Randy, get yourself a wife.”
Words of wisdom, Mrs. Duncan. If you’re in a relationship for any length of time, you are going to have arguments. And when it comes to Carol, my wife of almost 50 years, I’ve learned how to handle them – I just give up. That’s because I’ve finally realized I’m not equipped with the arguing skills she has. I firmly believe the ability to effectively bicker is a genetic trait of the female species. Everyone knows that since the dawn of time men have been the hunter-gatherers and women have been the arguers.
In fact, I’ll bet that lots of prehistoric men came in from a hard day of hunting, only to hear their spouse say, “Why did you leave all of those dinosaur bones laying around that fire? I just can’t have a nice cave.”
Now let me tell you about my particular set of circumstances. My wife Carol is an all-American, card-carrying smart aleck. This makes for great fun at parties and social events, but puts me squarely in the penalty box whenever we get into a spat. For me, it’s fourth-and-long before the game even begins.
In addition, Carol, like so many other spouses, has the ability to remember absolutely everything. This puts me and my fellow husbands at a distinct disadvantage, because we can’t remember anything – except a shot-by-shot account of a round of golf from 18 years ago, or the score of the 1980 Sugar Bowl (24-9 Alabama, by the way). So when an argument breaks out, you can be sure that she’ll bring up something from the distant past that is totally unrelated to the current set of circumstances. It’s really unfair. Carol preys on my weakness like a lion on a wounded gazelle. I don’t have a chance.
I have actually heard her say to me, “I should’ve known you would do something self-centered like this. You didn’t even buy me a corsage for homecoming.”
“Huh? That was 1974 and I was so broke that I could barely pay my rent.”
“Doesn’t matter. You were self-centered then – self-centered now.”
Now do you understand why I quit trying?
Other effective weapons in her argument arsenal include the silent treatment, and not saying what she really means. When those are combined with a dose of sarcasm, it becomes a devastating one-two punch that can bring the strongest man to his knees.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
“No, something’s wrong. You haven’t said a word to me in two days.”
“Nothing’s wrong. Not…one…thing. And…if I have to tell you, it doesn’t matter anyway.”
If there was a referee, he would stop the fight.
Amazingly, even when she is 100% wrong, my wife has the incredible ability to turn blame back around on me. I’m sure this is another trait that females have had for eons. I’ll bet when God threw Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, she probably turned to him and said, “Well as I recall, I just gave you that apple, nobody made you take a bite out of it.”
Please understand, I’m not complaining; instead I marvel at these skills. I wish I had them.
About all men have to argue with are unimaginative statements like:
“Oh yeah?”
“Ha, ha, ha – that’s so funny.”
“You’re stupid.”
”You don’t know even the score of the 1980 Sugar Bowl.”
The way I look at it now, I’m not actually admitting defeat, I’m just accepting my limitations. As far as I’m concerned, it’s just easier to say, “Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry.”
And then I sneak off to the golf course. Scientists call that “fight or flight.” I call it common sense.
Joe Hobby is a barbecue-loving comedian from Alabama who wrote for Jay Leno for many years. Find more of Joe’s stories on his blog: https://mylifeasahobby.blogspot.com. Follow him on Facebook at Joe Hobby Comedian-Writer.
