If you are one of Facebook’s gazillion users, you’ve probably seen the videos that start out with some pretty, well-dressed women walking across a street, then striking a pose for the camera to the sound of glass breaking.
You know the one I’m talking about, the one where the second clip has a blonde walking into an establishment that does monogramming and asking sweetly in a beautiful Southern voice, “Can y’all monogram these?” while holding up a pair of thongs.
These girls have made a fortune saying what we say every day, and we don’t even get paid for it! But the funniest thing about the way the producer (the little blonde who always has her hair done perfectly) has nailed Southern euphemisms, is that I know every one of these women, I swear I do. Not the ones in the videos, but the ones in real life who are my friends, cousins, aunts, former teachers and people I worked with on an assembly line for years.
My friend Rhonda and I got into a discussion about grits one day while working on the line. Someone asked, “What’s the difference in grits and cheese grits?” We laughed. “This is grits,” I said, pointing to Rhonda’s backside. “This is cheese grits,” I said, pointing to mine. It was pretty funny.
Rhonda and I decided that when we retired we should have a radio show, because we were so funny…these videos about What Southern Women Say might just have stolen our thunder, though.
The woman who always says something about what’s on sale at ‘the’ Wal-Mart, is another friend at work, one who couponed all the time. She would drive all the way across Decatur to get 10 cents off of a bag of Frito’s if she had a coupon.
The blonde who says with a little snarl, “Oh, I know her, we used to do pageants together,” that’s definitely my youngest daughter, hands down, although without the snarl, but with the hand in front of her mouth and the exact same stage whisper.
And I would love to have a dime for every time I’ve ever heard a woman whisper loudly, “Would you look at her,” shaking her head. “Can you believe that she was our homecoming queen? Look at her now, bless her heart!” Oh, honey, that one is a real Southern classic.
The one who is talking on the phone while counting her dozen or so casserole dishes, saying, “I don’t think I have enough casserole dishes,” in dismay, is very definitely me. I need more casserole dishes like I need another hole in the head, but you just let me walk in a store and see them on sale…yep, that’s me alright!
Oh, and how many aunts and friends of my mother, and that dear lady, who always said another Southern lady phrase familiar to all of us. “Would you believe she didn’t even write a thank you note?”
I’ve often wondered if the woman who put these videos together knew my mother and my aunts…and oh, my grandmother…yes, she almost had to have known my grandmother from somewhere…there is just too much of Granny in these snapshots of Southern sayings!
Here’s Granny…”She didn’t use Kraft mayonnaise,” when discussing someone’s casserole. Or, “I think my punch would beat hers any day!” when walking out of a wedding where spiked punch was served.
Oh, here’s one classic that is pure Granny. The producer hasn’t thought to use this yet, so remember, you saw it here first, lol. “Wonder where they go to church?” This was what my grandmother always said after having just met someone. And if she spoke more than one or two sentences to them, she would go ahead and ask without a thought as to seeming nosey. “Where do y’all go to church?” and right after getting that answer, she went right into the next always predictable question. “Who are your people?” Or “What’s your daddy’s name?” and sometimes, and I never knew what brought this one on, out of the blue, she would quiz my friends, “Where are your people buried?” I have turned 50 shades of red over that one, hustling my friends out before she could ask what they were buried in…meaning the clothes, not the casket.
Other classic Southern frequently ‘overheard’ comments:
“What kind of cornmeal do you use?” The answer to this should always be White Lily.
“Who married them?” “Did he marry them at the altar, or in the gym?” This set of questions always comes from nosey women who are inquiring if the preacher did the ceremony at the altar because one or both parties had been married previously.
“Has she lost her ever lovin’ mind?”
“She doesn’t know how to dress, bless her heart!” this just about always means someone was spotted, probably at ‘the’ Wal-Mart, in open-toed shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.
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